When someone we love dies, we
are left with great structures that are now hollow of life, an avalanche of dear
memories, and tatters of dreams for what might have been.
In our struggle to survive a death,
we need a community to help us through grief. If left on our own, we will curl
up in the corner until our hearts desiccated into walnuts. We need people to
help us crack open grief’s nuts.
* If you would like to read the rest of this post, let me know and I’ll send it to you. *
*
(And yes, I do
write about matters other than grief, like nature and spirituality. Check out
my other blog – http://markliebenow.blogspot.com
.)
Interesting post. I was amazed and touched by all the support you've had. You're right especially when we're in the first stages of grief we long to know how others are feeling and how they deal with it. Journaling is very important too. I lost a son a little over four months ago. I thought I comprehended the pain that fills this earth, but until I started searching the web for relief of my own, I really didn't know the amount and the intensity of anguish that's all around us.
ReplyDeleteYou know, Kathleen, in the first two years of grief, I felt so alone. And while I had many compassionate friends who wanted to do something, not that many knew what to say. They did not have stories of their own suffering to share. Yet I knew they were there if I needed them to listen. I'm so sorry that you lost your son. I can't imagine the heartache of losing a child. And four months is so recent. I was a mess at that point. My wife died in 2001, and I've been learning and writing about grief since then. I also did not know the amount of personal suffering going on around me until I joined the Refuge in Grief community last August. So many different kinds of grief! I don't know if this particular post will help many people, which is what I want this blog to do. But I wanted people to know that if they keep sharing and keep looking, that they will find people who understand and will support them as they journey through grief. It's a lot easier to find people and resources today than it was a decade ago.
ReplyDeleteDid you really receive all this support? Amazing. I had the beginning bit but I must say that there is virtually no support or concern left (at 3 years). This, however, is the time when I would most like to talk about Jonathan. I agree there is no honoring of death. I live in Italy and even in such a Catholic society there is a great fear. I really sense this fear.
ReplyDeleteThree years into grief. Yes, other people have gone back to their lives, figuring we'll be okay now. When I started out grieving, I expected the bulk of the onslaught to be over in 1 month, and I think almost everyone else expected this, too. Since then I've learned, and I continue to learn, how long grief is a presence every day, and when it fades to now and then, it still pops up unexpectedly on its own or in response to a specific song or food. I hope that now, a decade plus later, most people are clear that grief is going to last longer than a month. At least I hope they do, even those who haven't lost someone. Now we need to educate everyone that grief still impacts us for years. And at three years, when you're ready to talk about Jonathan and remember everything with some of the goodness those experiences hold, it is difficult to find people who want to listen. From my reading, it seems that honoring the dead is done better in Asian cultures, with household shrines that maintain communication with the deceased, and yearly observances for all who have died, which I think is called the Bon festival. Fear of death. As if it's waiting for us to make a mistake. Even to mention "death" makes some people uneasy, as if calling it by name calls it near.
DeleteSo tell me something about Jonathan.
DeleteHi Mark, I found you through the grief writing fb page. 11 months ago my younger sister passed away suddenly, 4 months into that I had a bad break up which was equally unexpected I was doing OK and coping until the April 29 when I got rejected from yet another job interview, not to mention Prince died that day also. I was already in a state of loss because of being unemployed again and I had or chosen to give up my apartment. I was told I'm strong and I am I have beaten some serious odds. I've had some accomplishments this year but the fear and anxiety feels like it grips me and hard to escape. I think such negative thoughts but I keep in mind that we have a close family and my life is no where near as bad as others.I'm tired of having to constantly adjust and deal with a new normal. I'm tired of doing things I've never done before like running back and forth to doctor because I want to make sure I'm alright yet worrying myself that I would worry myself sick (I just realize how that sounds). I don't know, I'm an holistic person but this doesn't feel like my body. I have never been so stressed or stretched this much. When I went to a shop called Nameste here in NYC (I love that store) the guy that works there who is extremely knowledgeable told me to keep writing (he was kind of reading me). I just want me back. Thanks for reading.
ReplyDeleteYou are having to deal with a truckload of losses and changes. Any one of them by itself would take serious effort to deal with. It's good that you have a close family, and it's good to realize that other people have it worse. But my gosh, you have a lot going on! Tired of adjusting to a new normal? I'm not surprised. All these changes probably have you spinning wondering which way to go. Find what continues to nurture you and return there as often as you need. It sounds like the Nameste store is one place, and so is writing. If you're a person of faith, find the places where you can sit for a time and feel accepted and peaceful. If nature brings you a sense of belonging, go there. With all of these changes, I think it's important to remember what you still have. Start there and expand your life. I think life is a series of expansions and contractions. We try out new things, and some of what we try goes well, while other ventures do not. But some do. Keep sharing with others. Remember there are no shoulds. Treat yourself with kindness and compassion, just as you would treat others.
DeleteThanks Mark! I look forward to coming back here also. 😊
ReplyDeleteI welcome your presence and your insights. Stop by any time.
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