Mark Liebenow - Grief (formerly Widowers Grief): Rebelle Society

Who I am.

I write about the landscape of grief, nature, and the wisdom of fools. The author of four books, my essays, poems, and reviews have been published in over 50 journals, including in the Huffington Post and Colorado Review. I’ve won the River Teeth Nonfiction Book Award, the Chautauqua and Literal Latte’s essay prizes, and my work has been nominated for four Pushcart Prizes and named a notable by Best American Essays. My account of hiking in Yosemite to deal with my wife’s death, Mountains of Light, was published by the University of Nebraska Press. http://www.markliebenow.com.

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Sunday, February 14, 2021

Valentine for Grief

(When a partner dies, we begin an unwanted relationship with grief. My article was first published on Rebelle Society. ‪http://ow.ly/38xznn )

I admit it’s unexpected, but I find Grief romantic.

She gives me her undivided attention, but she’s badass. A tiger-woman. Wounded-little-bird woman. Wild, frontier woman with soft doe eyes and fishnet stockings. I never know what she’s going to do next.

Grief whispers in my ear, entices me to dig deeper into emotions than I want to go. Asks what I loved best about Evelyn, and when I tell her, she twists the knife. “You don’t have that anymore, do you!” Then she slams me to the floor and walks out the door.

We All Should Know What to Do

Everyone who grieves has had trusted friends who disappeared because they didn't know what to say or do for someone who is grieving, and they didn't want to say the wrong thing. Or they were uneasy around unpredictable emotions. Or they didn't want to feel helpless in helping someone stop crying. Or they hadn't worked through losing someone close to them in the past. Or they’re not good with emotions. Or they were scared.

There are many reasons not to take the risk. But they fall short when you care about someone.

Everyone should know what to do and say by now. This information is available on the Internet. There are grief memoirs they can read to help them understand the basics of every kind of loss—spouse, child, parent, sibling—cancer, heart attack, stillbirth, accident—(although still not so many are being written by men).

If they care about someone people need to trust their compassion to guide them. They won't be able to take someone’s grief or pain away, but they can sit and listen to someone so that they don’t feel so alone.

My new essay about this is at Rebelle Society, where I talk about the reaction that Christina Rasmussen received when she told someone that her work was helping people with grief: http://www.rebellesociety.com/2020/01/06/markliebenow-grief/