Mark Liebenow - Grief (formerly Widowers Grief)
Michelle Cramer put out a book this year called Unshattered Grief. In it she shares stories of parents as they deal with stillbirths or the deaths of their older children.
The loss of a child is crushing because we never expect it to happen. It always feels wrong. At a time when expectations of joy are building for a new life, they are taken away and emptiness is left behind.
When the year’s shadows are heaviest, when nights become long and cold, and feelings of self-doubt, despair, and death draw close, we light candles to push back the darkness that surrounds us. The flickering flames invite us to slow our busyness, set aside our fears, and open to everything that exists in this moment.
The twinkling of the stars, the bonfires in the backyard, and the strands of holiday lights on houses in our neighborhood remind us of people we loved who’ve died, dreams we tenaciously hang on to, and mentors whose wise guidance continues to help us find our way through life. The lights call us to reclaim the passions that stir our hearts with visions and imbue our lives with hope.
How we think about grief depends upon whether we’ve lost someone close, and lived inside the Theatre of the Absurd for a time, or we’re still standing on the street trying to look cool, wanting, not wanting, to peek in.
We can observe someone hunched over, sobbing with emotion, hands clenching and unclenching, face wet with tears, and know how grief looks and sounds.
We can classify grief as a species, study its genetics and genomes, and observe how it interweaves with other species like anger, despair, love, guilt, loneliness, rage, depression, saudade, and hope.
In the hour before someone dies, the image that may come to mind is of someone fading peacefully away with a smile on their face, candles creating a warm ambiance, and people gathered around the bed in different positions of repose offering gentle assurances.
(On her blog, Elaine Mansfield talked about facing this moment of her husband’s death with him. It is well worth the read. link - https://elainemansfield.com/2019/facing-deepest-fear/ )
Ideally, in the hours before this last one, we have talked with the person who is dying about important matters, our fears and hopes about the afterlife, and said everything we wanted to share with each other while we still could, our thank yous, wishes, and goodbyes. Unfortunately, for various reasons, many of us don’t want to acknowledge that death is a possibility, and we leave much of our hearts unsaid.
We gather by the bedside because we want to be there in case the person wants to say something, and to be there when they take their last breath, feeling that no one should die alone. We don’t want them to be in pain, confused, or feel lost, and yet we feel helpless to do anything.
During this time, Christians and Muslims often read scripture, recite creeds, or pray the Rosary, to bring comfort and assurance of Heaven. In Tibetan Buddhism, sacred scriptures are read to remind the dying to go towards the light when it appears in the Bardo, the transition place between this world and the next. They have three chances to see the light and go, or remain here as ghosts.
Some people put on soft music to calm the tension in the room. There are Threshold choirs that will sing continuously to the dying person until they pass. I suspect they sing the old, familiar hymns, or songs from Sweet Honey in the Rock. I doubt that they sing classic rock or jazz, but whatever music the dying person loved is appropriate because you want them to be in the right frame of mind for the transition into their Great Awakening.
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In the moment after someone’s death, there are options. You may be able to sit with your loved one’s body for an hour before it is taken away, but you will have to ask if this is possible. This could be important because some cultures and religions, like the Lakota Sioux and the Russian Orthodox, believe that the spirit lingers for a time before it takes leave of its body.
You may want to wash the body of your loved one and prepare them for burial. A friend did this for her mother with help from the nurses. In the ancient Celtic tradition, elderly women of the neighborhood would come in, wash the body, and lay it out in a room where mourners would offer a prayer and say a few words of condolence to the family. In another room there would be a wake where the deceased’s life was remembered through stories. At the funeral home, you may be able to light candles and sit with the body in vigil overnight or for 24 hours.
Sometimes we do not have time to say goodbye if they died in a car accident or had a heart attack. Sometimes, after a long struggle with an illness, signs of hope will begin to appear, before death slips back in and takes our loved one away. No one know when they will die. Say everything you want people to know today.
At the hour of our death, may the angels and archangels, and all the benevolent beings, draw near to receive our spirit, and comfort those who remain. May we open our arms to those who have lost someone, and comfort them in their grief.
