Burial, Cremation, or the Water Way

 

What the Undertaker Knows

 

There’s an area between dying and grieving that we don’t think about much, partially because it doesn’t last long, but also because we’re squeamish about dead bodies and what to do with them. If we pay funeral directors a lot of money to take care of all the arrangements, then we don’t even have to see the body. This is the problem. In our ongoing denial of death, we can pretend that they’ve just moved somewhere else.

 

One of the reasons we don’t make funeral decisions ahead of time, and where our loved one will rest for all eternity, is that we don’t want to give up hope when someone is dying.

 

Eulogy or Elegy?

 

(photo by Marcia)

 

Funerals tend to be more elegy than eulogy, lamenting the dead rather than celebrating the person’s life as we send them off into the Ever Forever After with a toast and a hearty cheer. 

 

It’s probably a matter of timing. If a funeral happens right after someone has died, we are overwhelmed by feelings of loss, and we’re trying to corral enough positivity and joy to offset our pain. A memorial service held later in the year allows us to remember the person’s entire life. Three weeks after my wife’s unexpected death, I thought I could give Evelyn’s eulogy, but the shock of her unexpected death was still too fresh and raw, and my friend Daniel graciously read my words.

 

After the Funeral, There's the Quiet

            Today I’m thinking about Emily Rapp Black’s experience after her two-year-old infant son Ronan died, as well as about people I’ve loved who died in April — my wife Evelyn, John’s wife Anne, and Judy’s husband John. I hold them in my heart, along with those of you who also lost loved ones this month. Each year, this month of death makes us moody, sometimes snarly, especially when we think about what could have, should have, been.

Coming Home After

Journal entry 35                                                                       

(The following is taken from my journal during the first year of grief.)

The shadows of the dead weigh heavy, like thick humid air when dark storm clouds approach.

I’m not in control anymore. Forces I can’t see push me around like an ocean. Every day life flows by but I can’t connect. Every few days people bring food and I eat. They send cards or call and leave messages that I won’t return. Words have lost their meaning. Colors mute to gray. Every day I excuse myself, sit on the side of the world and watch it flow by, unable to move, unable to care what happens to me or to anyone.

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After the Funeral: Sam Fan

Sam Fan died after a year-long battle with Hodgkin's disease. He was one of the good people, always ready with an encouraging word and smile, and who loved life, his scientific research, his wife, good wine, running, and playing his cello. At the memorial service today, his friends and colleagues spoke of his great spirit and their love for him. A string quartet played in his honor. We find it hard to accept that he is gone.

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