Who I am.

I write about the landscape of grief, nature, and the wisdom of fools. The author of four books, my essays, poems, and reviews have been published in over 50 journals, including in the Huffington Post and Colorado Review. I’ve won the River Teeth Nonfiction Book Award, the Chautauqua and Literal Latte’s essay prizes, and my work has been nominated for four Pushcart Prizes and named a notable by Best American Essays. My account of hiking in Yosemite to deal with my wife’s death, Mountains of Light, was published by the University of Nebraska Press. http://www.markliebenow.com.

Showing posts with label People. Show all posts
Showing posts with label People. Show all posts

Wednesday, August 9, 2017

Advice For Grief Recovery



Dumbledore to Harry Potter, when he clung to thoughts of his dead parents,
“It does not do to dwell on dreams and forget to live.”

My friend Fred Erwin wrote what he would share with people if they were grieving. His words are filled with wisdom, truth, and compassion. These are his thoughts with some of my own. 

Pay attention to your grief.  

It is right for us to grieve because people we love have died. They died too soon, and they died before we were ready. They died before we had learned all we could from them. They were an important part of our lives, and their absence leaves a hole.

Grief will last for longer than you expect.

Grief will bring many emotions and physical sensations as we move through the days, weeks and months—shock, sorrow, loneliness, despair, rage, depression, aches, chills, discomforts and more. Do not hide from any of them. And if you have any unresolved grief from the past, that will probably come back.

Death is a physical event and grief is the appropriate physical response.

Gather with family and friends and share stories about the one who died. You know much about the person’s life, but you do not know everything. Sharing with others fills in the gaps and brings new insights and understanding. We hear stories we never knew. Be honest in your sharing because everyone has weaknesses and flaws. This is the time to acknowledge the fullness and contradictions of your loved one's life.

The biggest danger with grief is to fear or deny it, because then psychological problems begin.  

Allow yourself to cry when you feel like crying, and weep when moments move deeper. People expect those who are grieving to be emotional and you have their permission to grieve now. They won’t be as understanding if you put grief off for five or twenty years. 

Be prepared for visitations from the departed, whether this happens in dreams, visions, or simply feeling their presence when you see their possessions or smell a familiar scent. This can also be a time for you to complete unfinished business. If there is something you always wanted to say to the one who died, now is an excellent time.

Find relief in the rituals and prayers of your tradition, whatever they are.  

Many people have walked the path of grief before us. They bear witness to the fact that people survive grief, that they patch their lives back together, and that they are able to find happiness again.

Sunday, October 16, 2016

Like the Stars






Book: Light Of One Star, Anne Fischer Juhlmann

Anne Juhlmann has published the journal she kept of her daily life taking care of her two sons, Zach and Sam, who developed Mitochondrial Disease when they were young and died within a few years of each other. It’s a story of strength, heartbreak and love, and it will make you laugh, cry and hurt.

Anne’s book joins other moving accounts of parents writing about the death of their children, particularly Emily Rapp’s (Black) account of her son Ronan’s death to Tay-Sachs at age two (Still Point of the Turning World), and Elea Acheson’s blog posts and writings in the Huffington Post about her son Vasu dying of kidney cancer at age six.

Wednesday, July 6, 2016

Grief Breaks Us, Deepens Us, or Sets Us Free

As I was getting ready for my interview with Linda Schreyer from Writers Talks at Studio West in Los Angeles (http://t.co/9OWGGScNds), Linda said she liked the line that appeared at the end of my blog post, “The First Death.” (That line is the title of this post.) She thought grief did all three. I agreed, although we both knew some people that had gotten stuck in the first arena.

Grief Breaks Us
Besides the brutal impact of death, grief also breaks something important in us. Perhaps we thought that life was supposed to be a happy place, but now all we see is chaos, destruction and pain. Or maybe it’s an illusion about life that we’ve always believed, like, if we lead good lives and help others, then we will die peacefully in old age. Perhaps our new view of reality is so stark that it makes us wonder if there is enough left.

Wednesday, May 18, 2016

Artifacts Left Behind

When a loved one dies, possessions are left behind and we have to decide what to keep and toss. While many possessions hold fond memories, some do not. A few hold special meaning, are symbolic of pivotal events in our life, or just hold something crucial of the other person’s spirit.

            One of Ev’s pottery bowls had me in this quandary.

Thursday, May 21, 2015

Picking Up the Scraps


Death leaves a scar. Once we have experienced grief, it never completely leaves. Grief sits behind us for the rest of our lives.

I realized this in the early months of my grief as I drove away from Judy’s house. She opened up a dark chapter in her past and shared her husband’s death three years before from cancer to help me. Although she was about to remarry, and was happy again, her eyes still held sadness.

* If you would like to read the rest of this post, let me know and I’ll send it to you. *

Thursday, October 9, 2014

The Silence of the Body in Grief



When someone we love dies, we talk a great deal about our thoughts, emotions, and the physical impact of grief — light is too bright, we feel numb, and we can’t shake the lethargy that trails our steps like a weary dog. We do not often speak about the impact of the absence of their physical body.

I’m talking about more than missing their physical presence in the house.



* If you would like to read the rest of this post, let me know and I’ll send it to you. *

Friday, November 9, 2012

Elegy for Tippy



Autumn Elegy
for Tippy Behling


Clouds reflect on the still lake.
Fish fly through the watery sky.
Pebbles laugh at cosmic jokes.
Do pebbles ever die?

* If you would like to read the rest of this post, let me know and I’ll send it to you. *


Wednesday, May 18, 2011

Death of an Artist: Howard Beebe



Over the weekend I went to a memorial service for Howard Beebe, a retired professor of violin at Ohio University. 

He died of pancreatic cancer ten years after diagnosis. 

* If you would like to read the rest of this post, let me know and I’ll send it to you. *

Thursday, April 21, 2011

John Muir, naturalist




John Muir’s birthday is today. 

His wife, Louie, died eight years before he did, and he was nine years older, so her death was unexpected, as if death is ever expected.


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Thursday, August 12, 2010

Compassion and Organ Donation: Nicole Hixson



I don’t know how people like Nicole do it.  
They show up when people’s lives are falling apart and emotions are thick. People are screaming and crying, pounding on the walls, and people like Nicole are able to calm the panic and begin the healing process. Nicole is an organ transplant coordinator who speaks to the family minutes after death because time is of the essence.


* If you would like to read the rest of this post, let me know and I’ll send it to you. *

Thursday, August 5, 2010

After the Funeral: Sam Fan





Sam Fan died after a year-long battle with Hodgkin's disease. He was one of the good people, always ready with an encouraging word and smile, and who loved life, his scientific research, his wife, good wine, running, and playing his cello. At the memorial service today, his friends and colleagues spoke of his great spirit and their love for him. A string quartet played in his honor. We find it hard to accept that he is gone.


* If you would like to read the rest of this post, let me know and I’ll send it to you. *

Thursday, July 29, 2010

The Grave






Why did I take a detour when I was passing through Ohio to find where Cathy was buried? What did I expect?

When I found her grave, I knew. Seeing her name on the tombstone confirmed that she was dead at age 19 from a cycling accident. She was no longer somewhere undefined in the world, but physically here.


* If you would like to read the rest of this post, let me know and I’ll send it to you. *

Monday, July 12, 2010

Listening to Birds: Judy Rasmussen


December 2

After Evelyn, people wrote letters of condolence. Many of her friends didn’t know what to say for someone who died in her forties. Her death seemed wrong because we knew the good she was doing with her compassion for others and we expected this to continue for forty more years.

One of the letters came from Judy Rasmussen, talking about an early encounter with Evelyn when they were still strangers:



* If you would like to read the rest of this post, let me know and I’ll send it to you. *

Unbounded by Joy: Cathy McCambridge


August 19


Her joy is what touched us the most, a pure happiness that flowed around her and made everyone smile. We were college students from around the country studying at Chautauqua, New York for four weeks. Her smile was infectious, she sang with passion, and I found excuses to be near her.

Not long after returning home that summer, we received word that Cathy had been killed by a car in a cycling accident.

* If you would like to read the rest of this post, let me know and I’ll send it to you. *