I’m a writer who lost a spouse. I’m not a therapist or
a counselor, but I paid attention to my grief. I’ve also listened to a lot of
people talk about losing a husband, wife, parent, sibling, child, or a
stillborn baby, and there are many commonalities to grief when death rips your
life apart. For simplicity sake in this post, I’m going to use the example of
losing a wife, but adapt what I say to your own situation.
This is for MK.
*
Many people have not lost
someone close. They haven’t experienced grief, so they say things that make those
of us who are grieving feel worse. They make us not want to share anything with
them. What we need is compassion, not sympathy or empathy.
* If you would like to read the rest of this post, let me know and I’ll send it to you. *
*
For what you can say and do to help those grieving, see my
post: http://widowersgrief.blogspot.com/2014/09/im-listening-what-you-can-say-and-do.html
I agree with all of these. I especially find "Grief must be teaching you something you needed to learn" to be repugnant. That would NOT be a good reason for my son to die.
ReplyDeleteAnna, I agree with you. It is so wrong to even suggest that you learning a lesson is more important than someone's life.
ReplyDeleteOne other comment I find downright creepy- God needed them in heaven. Thanks again, Mark, for this post. Barry
ReplyDeleteBarry, I forgot about that one. Creepy is right! Some of these things I just block from my memory because I can't believe that people have actually said them.
ReplyDeleteBecause of your hospice work, Larry, you probably know even more. On Tuesday I'll post some ideas for what people can say and do that help those who grieve.
ReplyDeleteHere's one- "if there's anything I can do for you, just ask." Then when you suggest something concrete that they can do for you, they are no where to be found.
ReplyDeleteI have heard some of these, but obviously not in the same context you have. I have dealt with a lot of emotions surrounding my children who are autistic, and the things they can't do and will never do that other families get to enjoy. I have become the go-to guy for everything autism-related, and sometimes I just want to talk baseball with someone or grab a pizza. Sometimes not talking about something is exactly what I need.
ReplyDeleteTake all that for what it's worth. I loved Evelyn and miss her every day. I wish I could tap her special ed knowledge, she would have been a terrific resource, but most of all I just wish she was still here for her, not for anything she could give me. Life is forever marked as pre- and post-Evelyn.
Though all of this, I keep thinking of how naturally Evelyn handled grief. It tore her up inside, but her great compassion for others kept pushing her on. And every time I hear of a special needs child, and hear of how things are going with you, I wish she were here with her insights. And definitely yes - wishing she were just here because she so loved life.
ReplyDeleteLost my beloved wife on the 9th of March, 2016. Experiencing what you have written.
ReplyDeleteOh Thomas, my heart goes out to you. Just five weeks into the chaos! This is such a hard place to be. Be kind with yourself. And if you have someone who is willing to just listen, take them up on the offer. Don't go through this alone. You're not alone.
DeleteI'll skip the platitudes. Am glad you shared your views, have learnt much from that. Am now sharing mine. I am an Indian, and culturally we are taught from very early on that all who are born must go. That teaches us that grief is not for a select few, everyone's turn will come. We shriek, cry, show our anger at God--who we believe in--, keep ourselves busy with rituals, talk about shared memories with the departed, and grief-- of everyone gathered there. It provides for a catharsis, rubs in the finalty, closure if you prefer to call it that, though there is never any closure. And yes, we do indulge in the platitudes you have listed, because for many that shows concern, caring, sharing, motivating. Silent grieving, in our culture, amounts to bottling up grief. Like Tennyson's Home they brought her warrior dead. Recall the line, "She must weep of she must die". In one's grief one will be alone. But nobody born is ever spared of grief! My very warm wishes to you for bearing with me and my homily.
ReplyDeleteThank you for sharing your insights and wisdom, Vitaya. I love hearing how other cultures grieve.
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