In Grief We Are Family

(Earlier this year, Linda Schreyer interviewed me about grief and writing for Writers’ Talks at Studio West in Los Angeles. It was broadcast on Rare Bird Radio. The following is one of the topics we discussed. You can listen to the entire interview at http://t.co/9OWGGScNds )

Having a community of support is vital when you’re grieving, because it’s easy to feel isolated and alone. The emotions are intense and chaotic, and we need other people to help us navigate our way through. I had to search for community. Thankfully I found small pockets of people who understood grief.

            My faith community was supportive, but they didn’t know what to do or say because Evelyn died suddenly, out of order, when she was in her 40s. When you die in your 80s, people generally say something like — “It’s the natural course of things.” “She had a long life, a good career, and lots of grandchildren.” It affirms the accomplishments of a lifetime. But when you die young and out of the blue like Evelyn, the accomplishments were just beginning, and the death seems so wrong that people are left speechless.

            When grief became too much at home, I headed for Yosemite and found community with the rock climbers in Camp 4. Even though I was a hiker and not a climber, they welcomed me. I was drawn in by how they supported each other by sharing food and shelter, and mobilized for rescue missions when someone fell and was badly injured. Around campfires at night, we’d talk about our adventures from the day, both our failures and successes. 

            They reminded me of the need to take risks in life, because if you just let life happen, then you merely survive, and what is the point of that? They wanted to put their lives on the line each day to see what they were made of.

            The Lakota Sioux community holds a tribal gathering when someone dies. Afterwards, the body is traditionally wrapped in a robe and put up in a cottonwood tree. As the body decomposes, it falls to the ground where it nourishes the grass, the grass the feed the buffalo, the buffalo that feed the tribe, and the cycle of life is affirmed.

            Among my community of friends, there were individuals of compassion who kept close and kept me talking like Lori, Nicole, John, and especially Francesco and Molly. Some of them hadn’t experienced a close death, so they didn’t know exactly what to say or do, but they knew that it was important for me to keep talking about death, or else I would hide away and shrivel up. At the time, Francesco and Molly were dealing with Molly’s brain tumor, yet they kept supporting and encouraging me. Their compassion in the midst of their own suffering still touches me.