update – in 2017, Megan came out with It’s OK that You’re Not OK, in both book and audio versions. This expanded her work in Everything is Not Okay. In both, Megan Devine invites the newly bereaved to enter their grief and see where it leads them.
Devine notes that everyone has an opinion about how people should grieve, even those who have never lost someone. Ignore them, she says. No one can tell you how you need to grieve; only you can determine that. We also have our own guilt trips to deal with, the “shoulds” that we pile on ourselves. Getting beyond the shoulds and oughts is one of the first tasks that grievers face so that we can hear what we need.
Using humor and speaking of different ways of grieving, Devine also includes words from poets and writers like Joanna Macy, Mary Oliver, and Rumi to illustrate her words.
She shares insights from her own journey with grief, yet realizes that what worked for her might not work for everyone, and that is okay. When she began to grieve, she could not find resources that were right for her. Nothing met her where she was, and at the beginning of grief what she wanted was acknowledgment, not repair.
When you are broken, the correct response is to be broken.
When something destroys your orientation in life, Megan says, when someone you love has been ripped away, you are not okay. Grief impacts you on the visceral level; it pummels you physically and mentally, so do not pretend that everything is okay. Your task, your only task right now, is to grieve.
She offers concrete ideas for doing this, not wishful thinking, and encourages listeners to follow what pulls them into wellness, not what drags them away. Find the places, people, and words that support you, she says, as you work with your grief. Find the way stations where you can rest.
Speaking as a fellow traveler, and with her background as a therapist, Megan includes several guided meditations to center listeners and root them into the core of their lives. The exercises quiet the mind and heart so that listeners can exist in this moment and feel it as it is, with all of grief’s anger, confusion, and even beauty. Her words are compassionate, inviting, and inspiring.
This book has practical tools for dealing with your grief, and is available from the Refuge in Grief website. I hope it is the first in a series of CDs.
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Megan and Refuge In Grief run several 30-day writing courses throughout the year. Every day for 30 days, a new writing prompt will show up in your email and encourage you to look at your grief in a new way. Write as much as you want, or as little. Because you are part of an online community, you can share what you have written, or simply read what others share. Either way, you become part of a supportive group of people who understand grief.
This is an excellent course for those in the first years of grief.
You can find more information at www.refugeingrief.com.
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HANUKKAH begins tonight and continues to Christmas Eve. There are several themes that all of us can think about.
BELIEVING IN WHAT YOU CANNOT SEE. The unexpected happens. In this case, the miracle of the oil in the lamp lasting for eight days. This reminds us that good things can happen in our lives that we didn’t even know was possible. People can show up who turn our grief around.
THE CELEBRATION OF LIGHT. When we are lost in darkness, the guidance of a single flame of light can lead us to a place of safety, of refuge, and where we need to go.
REDEDICATING YOUR SACRED SPACE. Here it was the Temple. This reminds us to rededicate ourselves to walking the path of whatever we hold most dear, and reconnect with our sources of guidance and inspiration, the power that is larger than our lives.
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