Journal entry 8
In ancient Greek mythology,
you were supposed to die with your spouse. It feels like I did.
Clytemnestra didn’t kill
herself when her husband Tantalus died because she had plans of revenge for
those who killed him. I understand her feeling. It’s a natural
response to want to hurt those who have hurt you. It solves nothing, of
course, because then the family of the one you killed now wants to kill you,
and so the cycle of sorrow continues and grows stronger. But I still feel that
urge.
* If you would like to read the rest of this post, let me know and I’ll send it to you. *
I read most of your blog entries. This post was a surprise because your anger and frustration at being unable to find someone to revenge for the wife's death are exactly what I feel for my wife's death. I do not get comfort from people who have their spouses alive and just throw words of superficial or fake empathy at me. But I get a real comfort from your words because you seem to speak in the same place I was and will be. Thank you for sharing your experiences.
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P.S. I lost my wife in May 2012 after 3 year fight against Glioblastoma, a horrible brain cancer.
It's surprising how anger keeps returning during grief, especially when someone has died young and the death seems wrong. And as much as I wanted someone to blame for her death, as much as I was angry at the forces of the universe, the only thing I cared about was that she was gone. Revenge would have been a detour on the journey of recovery, not a solution. Slowly, as I was able to let go of my anger, I began to find acceptance.
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