Every Wednesday

Every Wednesday I will post something about grief. Sometimes it will be a reflection on an aspect of grief’s landscape. Now and then I will share from my own journey of grief, because in the sharing of our stories we find strength and build a community of people that support one another.

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Wednesday, September 18, 2013

Eating Out Alone

Journal entry 21

For the first time since Evelyn died, I risk going out to eat by myself, and pick the Black Angus Restaurant. We came here maybe twice a year to celebrate something, even if it was just being together in our struggles. Ev would have the prime rib while I ordered the sampler platter. I order it again tonight and savor the chicken strips, potato skins, and the fried zucchini, aware all the time that no one is sitting across from me.

In the past I’ve noticed people eating by themselves and felt sorry for them. Now I know that widowers and widows coming out to eat alone is a step forward, even if it’s taking all of one’s strength to do just that. 

I celebrate this moment, but do not order dessert because I’m already feeling guilty about enjoying something that Evelyn can’t share. When I’m done, I leave the restaurant without looking to see if anyone is watching me, feeling that many of them are.

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