Who I am.

I write about the landscape of grief, nature, and the wisdom of fools. The author of four books, my essays, poems, and reviews have been published in over 50 journals, including in the Huffington Post and Colorado Review. I’ve won the River Teeth Nonfiction Book Award, the Chautauqua and Literal Latte’s essay prizes, and my work has been nominated for four Pushcart Prizes and named a notable by Best American Essays. My account of hiking in Yosemite to deal with my wife’s death, Mountains of Light, was published by the University of Nebraska Press. http://www.markliebenow.com.

Thursday, January 15, 2015

Dancing with my Demons


“I loved her not for the way she dances with my angels, but for the way the sound of her name could silence my demons.” Christopher Poindexter

To tell you the truth, I loved Evelyn for both.

I didn’t celebrate life well before I met her, nor did I fully acknowledge my negative side. Deny and deflect were my modes of coping. I was dependable and dull. I got work done. I was disconnected from the emotional highs and lows, from positive and negative feelings, as well as from the energy that each one brings.

* If you would like to read the rest of this post, let me know and I’ll send it to you. *

7 comments:

  1. This comment has been removed by the author.

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  2. Thank you for your words. I read your blog every Tues and Thurs. I especially resonated with the analogy of walking through a beloved wilderness.

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    1. Thank you, Sheryl. I appreciate that you read the blog each week. Nature images naturally come to mind for me, because nature helped me in dealing with grief. Sometimes I think I use too many of them.

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    2. Sorry for 2 entries, I was just figuring out how to post a comment. Though your website says grief from a male perspective, I would say your writing goes beyond gender- to truth. I lost my husband of 20 years last summer. He crashed his mountain bike Aug. 6th, 2014, riding down his "cheap thrill" hill at the dog park. He suffered a severe head injury. After 2 weeks in a coma, we decided to remove his feeding tube and put him in hospice, where he died Sept. 1st. He was just taking our dog to throw the ball. He was a healthy, happy 49. I searched the internet looking for some shared experience I could hold on to. I found a lot of depressing whining, and generic what to do when you are grieving. I somehow found your site, and then Megan Devine, through your link. They both speak to me, and are some of the lifelines, keeping me afloat. Martin and I shared a passion for the mountains, and wild places. We spent much time backpacking and hiking both the Rockies in CO and the Cascades in WA. Above tree line, was his church, it filled his soul. Bless you for sharing your words, mind and heart.

      Sheryl

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    3. Don't worry about the two entries, Sheryl. They say different things. I am so sorry about the loss of your husband. My wife died suddenly at age 49 after 18 years of marriage. They both died way too young. I hope you were able to share at least a few last words with Martin. I didn't have that and feel like I missed something important. Above the tree lines! What a wonderful place to be! I love to sit on the top of mountains and look down on the wilderness around me. It's the feeling of being in a sacred place, and being part of it.

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    4. Unfortunately, no. He never regained consciousness. Only in my dreams have I talked to him, and he doesn't say much- I didn't know your wife was also 49. Yes, too young. Yes, thank God for the wild places!

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